i like to think that i think too much|
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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
dylan bauer's LiveJournal:
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|Monday, September 19th, 2005|
hehehe hahaha. . .how funny and ironic, cause i had a crush on kiwicommiekitty
|Tuesday, July 26th, 2005|
|life is beautiful
im purdy good right now. i have no complaints, and i am very happy wiht wehre my life is at right now!
i just got about 30 hours working during the next few weeks in addition to the 10 i usually work (bleeeeeeeeeh) and i will have fewer and fewer money issues in the upcoming months.
im 18 in 17 days, yay!
i might become the new chair of the depot board, wow, responsibility
i am so fucking head-over-heals (which is a strange phrase, because your head IS over your heals) in love with Amanda. . .i cant emphasize how much i love her.
party this saturday, 3pm til whenever ya'll leave, lake house. BE THERE!
dentists suck, specially when they tell you "no food for an hour" when you havent eaten much that day. . .grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, york dental, just grrrrrrrrrrrrrr
did i meantion that i love you amanda?
okay, thats about all. . .im done typing! yay! Current Mood: my teeth feel squeeky clean
|Tuesday, July 12th, 2005|
well, to everyone that was sorried about me in my time fo crisis. . .thanks. i am now all better. i have gotten back togethor with wonderful and amazing amanda, and i am in disbelief and awe and am blow away by love. i am not talking to grace either, so that takes care of that situation.
my summer has been a bit hectic, and also very lazy. . .most of my works suck, but im with amanda much of the time, which is incredible. i have camp this week and next, and a wedding reception to attend this saturday; july will be a busy month. my dad is also hosting a party at our house on the last saturday of july, the 30th. and all of ya'll and yer families are invited! party starts at 3? 4? i dont know, i'll tell everybody later. anyhoo, this is just a check in to ease all of your worried minds (because i know every single one of you was crying and looking for some way to fix me, even by disregarding your own personal health!!!!!).
(or not) Current Mood: pretty damn in love
|Monday, June 27th, 2005|
|an unthinkable event
hello world. lemmie tell you, i feel like shit right now, and i will feel like shit for the rest of my life. i am disgusted at myself, my choices, my morals (or lack of them, my everything. right now, i am going to begin to explain what happened this weekend. it will be confusing for some who read it, because it will be to amanda more than anyone else, but this is something i want people to know about me. . .to know what bad decisions i have made, and to judge me, no bars held; this is my worthless repentence.
first off, i want to tell amanda that i feel like shit. i am not even going to try and compare my feelings of shit to your pain and heartbreak (?). i have been crying all day, i have been talking to my friends and telling them that i am shit, and that i am such a stupid person, and all that, and i have been most of all thinking of how much i love amanda. . .even though my actions may not have shown it.
okay, to begin: i cheated on amanda and we are now broken up. there is no way around this fact, for anyone, and i am now dealing with the consequences of that decision. i made this choice, and i am going to accept full responsibility for what i have done. now, i am not going to say who i cheated with, b/c it doesnt really matter, and for those of you who know, please do not mention the persons name. . .for both amanda's and that person's sake. the last thing i want to do is hurt anyone any more.
okay, so i cheated. i have only one thing to say about why i did this. . .i am in love with 2 people at the same time. i am. i have only found out this about myself today, when i was crying. i love amanda. whatever anyone thinks, this is the truth, its what i feel and know. i was torn apart by this breakup so much, i think that this has been the most difficult things i have ever been through. this was like losing a significant other. i am ashamed and i feel that i have wounded myself by hurting amanda, the beautiful and sweet girl that loved me. i have done two things this weekend that i had promised myself that i would never do. . .i cheated on someone and i hurt the person i was with. amanda, for hurting you, i am so sorry.
this journal entry is a way to begin to say "im sorry" to amanda, and to begin (i say begin twice because i am not able to fully appoligize and express my feelings to you (amanda) in one sitting, probably not in a weeks worth of sittings. i am a dickhead, a jackass, a prick, a fucking cheating bastard. this entry is also a way to tell amanda what i feel.
so, the last little bit is for amanda. . .i want to tell you my feelings. i want to talk to you, very badly. if you think you are able to talk to me, please find me. call me, approach me at work, write me a letter, an email. i miss you, and i still love you, and if it is still possible, i want to remain friends. i will write you a letter this weekend, after i (and you) have had time to think about this much much more. please respond in some way, even if it is angry. if this is the last time we ever write to each other, so be it and goodbye. i want you to know that i will always remember you, now and forever more. please. . .well, no, dont forgive me. i dont have any right to ask that at all. 'till another time.
the disgusting and cheating sack of putrid shit,
dylan bauer Current Mood: nauseous sad and so much worse
|Friday, June 24th, 2005|
well, its another sleepynessless night at roberts house. . .i dont know what that means. i guess i feel at home here. i havnt been posting much here, and im sorry to whoever reads this. . .meh, oh well. here's a past history:
soviettes - a kick ass show that rocked the house down at first avenue. . .i liked it most acause i got amanda and myself in for free. sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet.
eels concert tuesday (which is today. . .technically) - wow, this will be the best show ever never evefvever. i cant wait.
chilling with robert - this was all weekend. crazy awesome fun.
poweroutages! - that was fun, saw my transformer explode in front of my eyes.
howls flying castle - wow, this was one of the most incredible movies i've ever seen. i really really REALLY!! really liked it alot. . .a) because its by myazaki (thats not how you spell his name, but whatever) and b) because it was one of the most happy and just plain good movies i've seen in a long time. heh, made me think of amanda. . .
well, thats my life story of late. . .not too interesting, not too dull.
oh, one more thing. . .the lady that i work for (my third job, for ya'll who dont know) is really very weird. . .she wants to be a part of my life, in kind of a "parent" way. . .which is a bit creepy. i think that i should quit, but i hate being an ass. . .what dya'll think? Current Mood: awake
|Monday, May 30th, 2005|
|crazy mad props
wow, what a weekend. I had an exciting friday night, with Chicken Poodle Soup playing at the Depot; they kicked some major ass. Then, on Saturday morning, I met the owners of the Underpass, and am starting to think out a way to advertise for the Depot though them. Also got to see Amanda that night, and then again for dinner on Sunday. . .that was fun. Pasta is always good. However, there was an awkward even after that. . .Gully, Jew, and Bobert all were recording a project for mythology class, and Amanda and I were recruited to be extras. So, we all went to Bryant lake, and put on togas. And then we proceded to film ourselves fighting half-naked in the coldness. It was so awesome, acos Amanda didn't seem to mind the incredible oddness of being in a film with four half-naked guys, three of which she hardly knows. Mad props to her, and then some. I miss her right now. Sad. . .
Well, that was my weekend, and soon, I will be paid in full from Caribou Coffee. . .they shafted me bout 35 hours worth of pay. So I wrote an angry letter to (hopefuly) get my rightful pay. Have a great last week of school, ya'll! Current Mood: mad at caribou, happy at world
|Saturday, May 21st, 2005|
what my dad said to me last night seemed to have me pegged. . .im smitten. i am totally and completely smitten. i guess im missing amanda sooooooooooooooooo very much right now, even though its only been like 20 hours since i last saw/spoke to her, not even a day. im. . .im. . .im hopeless. and damn proud to be that way.
love ya Current Mood: antsy
|Monday, May 16th, 2005|
i realize that i am so happy right now. quite very happy, and so contented that i cannot even describe it right now. . .i havent been able to describe many things at all these days. love rocks. . .
my relationship that i have with Amanda is incredible. it feels so natural, so intense, so real, everything you could feel about the most incredible relationship you have ever had or thought about. i am constantly amazed at her ability to see though me, to read me like a book. . .its like she can read my mind. and, i can read her, too. we have this incredible connection, and i never ever EVER want to lose it, have it break, or lose any small part of this incredible relationship. i am still amazed that i can even talk to her w/o falling over in happy shock and amazement and awe of beauty. in my other relationships (i know, i know. . .never relate your current relationship to past ones. . .*sigh* oh well), i have been nervous and hard-pressed to say hello. in those relationships, i felt stifled and not able to be myself. . .but with Amanda, i am free. there is a freedom in her personality, both a trait that she has and a trait that she brings to me, that i love and adore. she is openminded and easy to talk to, she is incredibly beautiful, and i have not found anyone quite like her anywhere else in the world. Amanda, i love you. Current Mood: giddy wif looooooove!
|Sunday, May 15th, 2005|
Current Mood: happyness
Your Seduction Style: The Natural
You don't really try to seduce people... it just seems to happen.
Fun loving and free spirited, you bring out the inner child in people.
You are spontaneous, sincere, and unpretentious - a hard combo to find!
People drop their guard around you, and find themselves falling fast.
|Sunday, May 8th, 2005|
lets follow allisons orders, shall we?
1. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me."
2. I will respond by asking you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. You will update your LJ with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.
But now i must respond to these questions. . .
1. why are you so nice? - Its because i feel that there are already too many not nice people in the world, so why add to their numbers?
2. why is gordon such a woman? - He IS a woman, duh!
3. who do you consider your best friend? - Damn good question. . .i might have to choose Robery, though, but only because he has many many cool nicknames (Bob, Bobby, Bobert, Robbie, Kinjin, Injin, etc).
4. what do you want to do with your life? - I dont know. . .if you find out, can you tell me? But seriously, i really like writing. . .maybe i'll write stuff.
5. how long will it take for the hair to grow back? - Prolly a year or so. . .but im considering (very hesitantly, though) not growing it back. Current Mood: lovely, bout the rain and life
|Friday, May 6th, 2005|
I thought of you tonight
As the waves of emotion flew into my soul
I take breath, and am whole
Yet, it is not enough to live in memory
For to live for life is life itself
Which never ends
The stars convey my passion to all
Sparkely specks against the void of humanity
I wait, I hope, I wish, I want
The past is dead, the future unborn
The sunrise of now is upon us
Let us live Current Mood: . . .i miss amanda. . .
|Thursday, May 5th, 2005|
|Wednesday, May 4th, 2005|
01. Comment with your name and I will write something about you.
02. I will then tell what song/movie remind me of you.
03. If I were to apply an o'clock to you, it would be...
04. I will try to name a single word that best describes you.
05. I'll tell you the most memorable moment I've had with you.
06. I will tell you what animal you remind me of.
07. I'll then tell you something that I've always wondered about you.
08. Put this in your journal
hmmmmmmmmm, interesting. . . Current Mood: happy
|Tuesday, May 3rd, 2005|
|the candy man can. . .
well, i missed weezer today. amanda bid on tickets for the weezer show tonite, and she didnt get them. . .the price went up to $250 in the last 15 seconds or so. . .how depressing. o well, they will come again. . .i hope.
okay, random thought
has anyone else ever been so in tune with another person that you could communicate worlds of emotion, feeling, anything through each others hands? with amanda, i feel as though my brain is going to explode with the sheer thought of being that close to her, and yet, i feel as though i can talk to her just fine, and not stumble over most of my words. we could talk for hours, just holding hands. its really cool, and i like it. amanda, you are awesomely cool, and more. miss you. . . Current Mood: exhilarated
|Monday, May 2nd, 2005|
well, ive been called sappy, ive been called emotional, ive been called lovesick, ive been called it all. . .and i always agree. i am. i am every one of those things, and very definetly many more. and the best part is, im proud of that. last night, i had amanda over and we had an incredible evening. we were so focused upon each other that it seemed like we could talk without speaking, and that level of communication is incredible. i have never had a chance to look into this phenomenon marvelous product of love, but i am looking forward ot it. but, anyways, during the course of the night, time seemed to slow down. . .the movie didnt matter, the place didnt matter (at least it didnt matter as much), the time of night didnt matter, nothing mattered, except for each other. we connected with each other on some level that is unheard of, and that i have rarely seen in adults, much less us teenagers. this morning, i felt a tiny bit worried that this may change things, because i have never had a realationship last after this point had been reached. . .but when i saw her in the halls, and heard her voice, i knew everything would be okay. she is so incredible. thats all there is to say bout her, incredible. incredible. . . Current Mood: happy, at least till work at 5
|Sunday, May 1st, 2005|
|happy may day
ohhhhhh, what can i say. . .i just finished with prom. and it was fun, i got to dance alot, and with alot of people. i just miss amanda. i called her tonite from the prom, something i tried my damndest to not do. i didnt get very far.
thankfuly, i go to see my beautiful lady friend today. i called her up and had her come over to take pictures while i still had my tux. she dressed up too, and she looked gorgeous, beyond pretty. she was amazing. we took a few snapshots, and then we held hands and kissed a bit. every day, i am amazed at what this girl can do to me, how she makes me feel. she said "Everything is just so fantasy like with him" and i dont think it could be explained better. every time i am with her, i feel like i am in another part of the world, that absolutely NOTHING matters but her and i. we mesh togethor so well, we fit, we're two pieces of a jigsaw puzzle with a picture on them that is meaningless if you only have one piece, but with both pieces, it makes a complete image. that is a little bit too much, because we are still people without each other, but it damn sure feels like im missing something important, real, and necessary to life. she called me her prince charming yesterday, or was it two days ago. . .im not sure. time is all melding togethor and becoming unimportant when she is with me. anyhoo, i have never been called a prince before, or even charming. i was touched. i am still touched, and will forever be touched by those words.
i love you amanda. Current Mood: good, and exhaustedly so
|Thursday, April 28th, 2005|
|my true love
she drove me to my car today after school. i was pleased and happy, and just knowing that she cared made me so incredibly happy. i took her hand as we drove. she squeezed and i squeezqd back. as we arrived at my car, parked away at Aldi, we kissed. and kissed and kissed. time meant nothing, our lips were melded together, and we neither grew older or younger nor did we stay the same age. we were caught up in the flow of something sacred, something pure and real, so real and so pure that i had no clue as to the extent of its perfection. this love was sparkling and shining from us, radiating into the world and evaporating slowly into the earths steady and rhythmic ebb, to be flung out across the world. this feeling was from one kiss. . .every kiss. i never want to stop, and i have told her so.
later tonite, we went to dinner at El Gordo's and to Kung Fu Hustle. my memory has gotten a little hazy from the ammount of love and emotion and pure happiness that i have felt from this night. at the restaurant, we chatted about life. . .hopes, plans, the past and the possible future. but not the present, that was for later. at the movie, we held hands and didnt let go throughout. we were so caught up in the moment, at least at first. we kissed in the middle of the movie and were laughed at by the 6 people behind us, and then we forced ourselves to stop. we watched and held hands, and cuddled, and the feeling just kept increasing. i had to restrain myself from starting to kiss her right there in the middle of the movie theatre and never stop. i was/am so in love with this girl that i cannot express it to anybody, not even her. . .but i know that she understands, because she feels the same way. as we left the theatre, i was shaking. i have been totally taken aback by the massive emotion that i am feeling, and when we arrived at her car, we embraced and kissed. we were together and one and there was nothing besides us in the car and our lips and hands. and after a while, she drove me home and stopped at my door. "i have to go in 4 minutes" she said, and we started to kiss. and this kiss turned into the most passionate and meaningful kiss i have ever experienced. i would have given almost anything to have that kiss last forever, for even a few more seconds, but it had to end. as i left the car, i couldnt help but kiss her a few last times, and when i did get out, i stumbled and made my way slowly to the door. i miss her so immensly right now, i miss her hair, her eyes, her breath, her smell. everything about her. and the weird thing. . .this is thursday night, and its our 6th day being together. and i already feel this way about her. i love this girl, this amanda matrejek, and i want to be with her forever.
|ummmmmmmmmmmmmm. . .
okay, this is a first time thing for me. i am speechless.
i am hardly ever speechless. . .and i am hardly ever withought thought, and that is what i am right now. i feel this incredible sensation. . .this feeling, this life energy that is flowing through me. i feel so incredibly happy and yet bound to this connection, this feeling of desire and want and like. i am in love. i have said this before in my life. . .everyone has. . .and i have never really understood the full potential of those 4 little letters. l. o. v. e. i know that this time, this week (okay, tell me its not right if oyu love someone after a week, laugh at me, taunt me, try and fix me, whatever, wont work) has been the most magical and incredible and heartfelt and ALIVE week that i have lived. i have never EVER felt this strongly about someone. i am totally at sea, i am lost and gone forever, and i dont care. i am lost alongside of amanda, and we are floating away on our raft of love. we are so compatible. we fit exactally togethor. we are like the last two pieces to a puzzle. . .no, a better way is to say that we are the whole puzzle, but it only has us two pieces. i cannot stop loving this girl. i have fallen head over heals and then some in love with her that i cannot express what i feel to everybody, even in writing. i am so far gone. . .its happy. Current Mood: memoried
|Tuesday, April 26th, 2005|
|oy, life rocks
wow, i love life right now. i am absolutely happy, just so incredibly. . .happy. i cant descibe it any other way but just utter and complete happiness. and its all acos of amanda, who has burrowed into myself and just completely thrown me for a loop. i, being teh crazy dude that i am, am taken aback. i am hardly EVER taken aback. this feels so weird. . .so weird in fact, that i will forgo spelling for a bit. . .youshould know the drill. . .go!
well, amanda has just made me think about how lucky i am to be alive and well, and even just a teenager. i am in a country that is prosperous, in a state where i am accepted, in a school with so many people that are my friends, to have a close group of friends that i love, and to have a new friend that i also love. i cant believe that i feel this way about her, but i think i really do. and love is a subject that i think about aloooooooooooooot. i cannot imagine what my life would be, was, without her in my life. . .amanda is just so sweet, so smart, so incredible. she makes me smile when i look at her, she makes me think, wow, im here, and she always mekes me feel like im loopy. always. and (believe it or not) said to her "i love oyu too" on monday, as we parted ways in school. i said it without thinking, and it was just mumbled (thankfully, i dont know how she would feel about this. . .) but just the fact that i said it makes me really taken aback. im in shock whenever i see her. hell, today when i was driving back from dropping her off, the hand that i was holding her hand with just felt. . .good! its just this feeling of openness andacceptance and hjappiness and everything good in the world all rolled into one. i. . .i know know what to do or say somethimes. like, i wanna be totally honest with her, but im afraid of the social barriers that are in society tyoday. i dont know how to avoid them, i even have them, but they are always there. i really really wanted to say "i love you" to her today, but i didnt. i guess im a bit freaked out right now, but in a really good way. i like having this high level of emotion, and i want to tell her incredibly badly, but i havent. so. . .we'll just see,. Current Mood: awesomeness and more. . .
|Sunday, April 24th, 2005|
wow is right, i am in a flurry of mixed emotions, a big smammering of everything and nothing, a big and boisterous yet empty feeling. i am thinking about everything that has happened to me in the last, oh, 3 days, and i can only say "wow, youre still alive and (somewhat) mentally sane." i am now going out with amanda matrejek, a sophomore that is, no. . .i have to say was now. . .in the music man with me. she's so nice, incredibly cute, and i miss her right now. but, that was just one happy part of my weekend, i have alot else that happened, too, both good and bad. i had to preform my final show of the music man, which had a cast that i will never ever forget. these kids are my family and i will miss them so so so incredibly much. i miss them already, and im still going to schoo with them for 5 weeks. i also spent one of the best days of my life at a park with eric dosedel, the sophomore britteny, amanda, max j dixon, ben freeman, the sophomore talia, caitlin foster, and max wanderman. we cleaned up the set of the music man today, and then went to ridgedale, and finally ended up at a park near ben and max w's houses. we played tag. . .imagine that, tag. . .and we just had a BLAST!! i wanted that day to never end. i was with people that i really love. it was an incredible feeling. i will cherish this memory, this snapshot of my soul, that i have right now for ever. thats why im writing. *sigh* little old nostalgic me. . .i make myself shudder in sappiness sometimes.
p.s. - i am officially a hopeless romantic. i wasnt before b/c no one ever told me that i was, but today, eric did. hooray! go hopeless! Current Mood: a mixture of alot